


jared's group chat extravaganza

by pantasticlams



Series: if i could text her [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Explicit Language, I hope this is funny, M/M, Mentioned Donald Trump, Texting, Warning: Donald Trump, alana is done, connor is extra, enjoy, only used that second trump tag bc it exists, texting fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-23
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-11-03 23:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10977726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantasticlams/pseuds/pantasticlams
Summary: literallygod: HI ZOEzoe101: wot in tarnationdairyqueen: ew get it outzoe101: what the fuck is this shitliterallygod: evan and connor were having sexzoe101: see now jared there is a list of things i never want to be updated on and the first thing on that list is my brother’s sexual endeavours





	jared's group chat extravaganza

**Author's Note:**

> evan: evanhandsome  
> connor: dairyqueen  
> jared: literallygod  
> zoe: zoe101  
> alana: allama

literallygod added evanhandsome and dairyqueen to the conversation

literallygod: hello sluts

dairyqueen: why

evanhandsome: ^

literallygod: believe it or not i have a v important reason behind this

dairyqueen: wow that's a first

evanhandsome: what's the reason jared

literallygod: i need outfit advice

dairyqueen: you've gotta be fucking with me

evanhandsome: omg

literallygod: no srsly guys help me

dairyqueen: listen,,, we have other things to to besides giving you fashion advice

literallygod: oh yeah?? like what boys?? what could you possibly be doing on this friday evening 

evanhandsome: we’re knitting

dairyqueen: bitch what the fuck

literallygod: oh really??? well i was thinking about dropping by evan’s place to see how you guys are doing and i used to knit with my grandma all the time may she rest in peace so i'll just make my way over and we can all knit together!!!

dairyqueen: we’re having sex, jared. 

evanhandsome: !!!!! what!!!!! no

literallygod: do you really think i didn't know that dumbass

evanhandsome: we were NOT doing that wtf

dairyqueen: darling kindly shut the fuck up

evanhandsome: ,,,,,,,

literallygod: well,,,, y’all get back to your activities

literallygod: OR

literallygod: i have a better idea

literallygod added zoe101 to the conversation

literallygod: HI ZOE

zoe101: wot in tarnation

dairyqueen: ew get it out

zoe101: what the fuck is this shit

literallygod: evan and connor were having sex

zoe101: see now jared there is a list of things i never want to be updated on and the first thing on that list is my brother’s sexual endeavours 

literallygod: i need someone to talk to tho

zoe101: wow evan and connor are literally your only friends huh

literallygod: yeah pretty much

literallygod: WAIT

literallygod added allama to the conversation

literallygod: alana guess what

allama: what

literallygod: evan and connor have goooood kinky sex

allama: o h m y g o d

evanhandsome: no we don't!!!! i have never had sex with anyone ever!!!!! i don't even know who connor is???!!!! maybe YOU’RE having sex with him hmmmmm

dairyqueen: i was sucking your dick thirty minutes ago so shut the fuck up

literallygod: AAAAAAAAA

zoe101 left the conversation 

allama: i'm 

literallygod added zoe101 to the conversation 

literallygod: haha bich

zoe101: when will my suffering end

dairyqueen: jesus zoe stop complaining

dairyqueen: someone get her out

evanhandsome: babe stop being mean

literallygod: AW it's so cute when you call him babe

dairyqueen: a few hours ago he called me a weak ass bitch so

allama: omg that's what i call evan behind his back 

evanhandsome: okay i'm shook

dairyqueen: alana pls it's only okay when i say it in return when he says it to me

dairyqueen: he's v sensitive 

allama: yeah okay

zoe101: why are you so soft w him but every time you see me you say fuck you

dairyqueen: because fuck you

evanhandsome: connor deep breaths

zoe101: evan how do u deal w his shit

evanhandsome: well for starters he likes me so he's not mean to me like he's mean to you

literallygod: connor doesn't like very many people

literallygod: to be comepletely honest i'm not quite sure if he likes me

dairyqueen: sometimes 

dairyqueen: most of the time you're annoying as fuck

allama: lmaoooo i'm ded

zoe101: connor pls stop being rude what the fuck

dairyqueen: fuck you

evanhandsome: d e e p b r e a t h s

literallygod: i think you two need to go in the get-along shirt until you sort your shit out

zoe101: wtf

dairyqueen: haha no

allama: that's a great idea

allama: what do you think evan

evanhandsome: connor is threatening me

evanhandsome: i think it's a terrible idea

dairyqueen: thx babe

zoe101: barf

dairyqueen: i will march over to our house and clock you in the jaw bitch

literallygod: OH MYJSJDJD GET-ALONG SHIRT PLS

literallygod: MY CHILDREN U ARE MAKING ME NERVOUS

allama: brb gonna get the popcorn

literallygod: BOTH OF YOU STOP IMGKFJFJ

evanhandsome: DEEP BREATHS CONNOR

allama: evan if he actually punches her get a video it could go viral

literallygod: CALM DOWN CONNOR

evanhandsome: GO ON A WALK OR SOMETHINH

evanhandsome: BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY AND GOOD DO NOT PUMCH YOUR SISTER

dairyqueen: i'll think about it

zoe101: oh please

literallygod: wouldn't you like to spend some quality time bonding and talking with your beloved sibling???

dairyqueen: i’d rather give donald trump a blowjob in the bathroom of a gas station in walnut creek, ohio while he sings jefferson starship’s ‘we built this city’ on a loop for three hours

literallygod: that is the most extra thing i've ever witnessed 

zoe101: brb drowning myself

evanhandsome: gr8 now i have the image of my boyfriend giving donald trump a blowjob in my head

dairyqueen: it's okay baby you're the only person i wanna give blowjobs to ;))))))

evanhandsome: sTOP

zoe101: just put my out of my misery

allama: this is so funny

literallygod: i hate everyone in this 

zoe101: me too??? and like you're the one who put me in here

literallygod: i guess i kinda like you

zoe101: i want to leave

literallygod: i'll just add u back in if u leave

zoe101: hey remember when evan used to have a crush on me

dairyqueen removed zoe101 from the conversation 

dairyqueen: jared if you add her back in i will fight you

literallygod: ugh fine

evanhandsome: that was awkward lmaoooo

allama: i never knew you had a crush on zoe

dairyqueen removed allama from the conversation

dairyqueen: alrighty

evanhandsome: connor that was mean

dairyqueen: most things i do are

evanhandsome: damn that's tru

literallygod: this is getting out of hand

literallygod: it's just the three of us again

dairyqueen: indeed

literallygod: i need alana back

literallygod: she's the beyoncè to my jay-z

dairyqueen: what the fuck

dairyqueen: alana is the most annoying person on the fucking planet 

literallygod: she's my queen

evanhandsome: i mean she helped me w midterms so she's pretty cool i guess

dairyqueen: pls no 

literallygod added allama to the conversation 

literallygod: woot

allama: omg

literallygod: i have an idea

dairyqueen: oh dear lord

dairyqueen: this can't be good

allama: oh no

evanhandsome: i'm nervous

literallygod: we should all hang out tomorrow night!!!!

dairyqueen: i’d rather die

allama: idk jared 

allama: connor’s head might explode if he's w you for too long

literallygod: come on!!! we can go see a movie or something

literallygod: hold on

literallygod added zoe101 to the conversation 

literallygod: zoe how would you like to go see a movie w connor, evan, alana, and me tomorrow night

zoe101: eh

zoe101: maybe

literallygod: connor will pay

dairyqueen: i will what?

literallygod: i'm kidding hahhaaaa

literallygod: see you secretly think i'm funny

dairyqueen: nope not really

zoe101: i'll see a movie w you if you let me permanently leave this damn group chat

literallygod: deal

allama: alrighty i guess we’re all seeing a movie tmrw night!!!!1!1!1!1

evanhandsome: oh dear lord

evanhandsome: this can only end in connor and zoe screaming at each other in the parking lot at 11:30 pm

literallygod: maybe

allama: yep

zoe101: it's likely

dairyqueen: probably

**Author's Note:**

> i'll probably write more of these lil texting things but this one took me like a month to write so i'm not promising anything anytime soon,,, y'all have a lit day.


End file.
